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A FEW XMASY TALES : a chimney , joseph the tyrant , santas lover

INTRODUCTION …

The following story came on xmas eve when i found in ” the daily mirror ” a couple of pages of xmas party hits

so of course in true ” paris style ” i had a look and thought how can we use them so what did i do i decided to write up

these 2 pages just to round out a week in the life of xmas festivities as you shall read …

THE FIRST STORY

This was a tale that spoke about a little girl who wrote a note to ” santa claus ” and she put it up the chimney and waited

but apparently ” santa ” never received it until recently as this short newspaper story will tell …

THE DAY SANTA’S LETTER GOT STUCK UP THE CHIMNEY …

Once upon a time not so long ago any child posting a letter to ” santa claus ” around a 100 years ago would expect the

first place he’d look was up the chimney well that’s what a little girl called ” hally h ” did in hope that ” santa ” would

grant her wish for a particular book and ball gown but somehow ” santa ” failed to spot her note which has only just been

discovered after almost a century …

” Hally h ” had asked ” santa claus ” for an evening gown and a copy of ” tell england ” which was a 1922 story book

by ” ernest raymond ” about a boys public school , but the fragile note posted in the traditional manner was found

at a girls boarding school by a worker cleaning the chimney after ravens fell out into one of the bedrooms …

The note read : ” dear father xmas are you coming to see me again in 2 weeks time i suppose , please tell mummy

i want a book called ” tell england ” and an evening gown , love hally h xxxx ” and on the other side after folding the

paper up she wrote ” to daddy xmas ” …

The maintenance man ” andy beddoes ” told how he felt the discoloured and brittle note which was stuck on a ledge

at ” haberdashers monmouth school for girls ” in south wales …

He said : ” i was brushing the chimney out and a piece of paper fell out on the floor and because i’m a curious person

i unfolded it and tried to read it but all i could see was ” dear father xmas and the dress bit ” and that was all but the

letter has had a bit of dusting so its a bit cleaner and easier to read now but there’s no date on it unfortunately ” …

The letter and a copy of the book are to be displayed in a cabinet at the school …


THE SECOND STORY …

Well this story is completely different to the above this tells more about how ” joseph ” went in military drag to his

sons nativity or birth and had the audience in hysterics as you shall read …

YOU’VE HEARD OF THE CAROL SILENT NIGHT WELL THIS IS TALE IS CALLED

TYRANT NIGHT …

Once upon a time not so long ago a boy got his ” jospeph’s ” confused when he turned up to play the husband of

” jesus’s mum mary ” in a school nativity play but he was dressed as ” the soviet russian leader stalin ” …

The young boy had misunderstood his teachers or the teachers hadn’t explained themselves properly about his role so

” iiya gavrinchenko ” aged 12 told his parents of his role as ” joseph ” and said he needed a costume …

As requested they made him an ” uncle joe ” outfit , got him military boots , a red stripe on his military trousers and a

marshals jacket and it was only on the night of the play that they realized it was a nativity play and their son was meant

to play ” joseph of nazareth ” …

Iilya’s father fedor from st petersburg in russia said : ” we got him an identical outfit to ” stalin ” and even a

moustache and we all sat ready and waiting for him to come on stage and see this young but old hero and due to him

having to accompany ” the virgin mary ” there was no time to change his outfit , so everytime he came on stage the

audience were in hysterics and my son was so lost he even felt guilty for having the wrong outfit which we told him was

not his fault ” …

Stalin led ” the soviet union ” to victory over ” the germans in the second world war ” but his brutal policies and purges

also killed millions of his own people …

AND if that story wasn’t enough here are 6 carols that the russians like to sing and groove to at xmas :

” AWAY IN A GULAG ” …

” WE 3 KINGS OF ORIENT ARE IMPERALIST ENEMIES OF THE STATE ” …

” KREML- IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER ” …

” O ‘ COMMIE ALL YE FAITHFUL ” …

” MARX’S BOY CHILD ” …

” TYRANT NIGHT ” …

And they all waited for nearly a century for santa and did impersonations

of stalin happily ever after …

Ali is a star says : ” well that was an interesting story i wrote out a note for ” santa claus ” once and asked him for some

socks and what did i find a sock hanging up over the fireplace with a pair of stockings in it can you believe that paris and

then another year i wrote out another note wanting a book you know one of those adult books and i put the note up the

chimney , put a glass of whiskey out and 2 mince pies under the xmas tree and then went to noddy blinkers land ” …

So come first light full of anticipation i went downstairs and what did i find the loveable icon in the hearth leaning

up against the fire place with his trousers scorched , wearing a red and white jacket , stockings and high heels and holding

a fragment of my note in his right hand and then i saw the glass of whiskey had gone and the bottle and the 2 mince pies

were also gone as well as the remaining box of 22 …

So i asked him : ” did you enjoy what i left under the tree and did you get my note that i left up the chimney ” …

He replied : ” hiccup , hiccup , well the mince pies could have done with some double cream and i prefer a drop of

southern comfort to straight whiskey hiccup so that’s a note i’ll have to leave up your chimney for next year when i’m

in transit as they say and your note what did you ask me for hiccup ” …

I replied : ” well it was a book an adult book called ” lady’s chatterley’s lover ” and being that the book has a certain

nature attached to it i’ll have to change your name from ” santa claus ” to ” pant on all fours ” , ha , ha you know what i

mean ” …

He replied : ” hiccup well that begins to make sense why at midnight i put on my stockings and high heels under my

legendary outfit and why the little helpers gave me the ol’ nudge and a wink and as for reading your note you left the fire

alight so as i came down the chimney the note caught fire and my pants got scorched so you will have to leave another

note for next year or a maybe a message in a southern comfort bottle as the pop group ” the police ” once said that would

be even better hiccup ” …

So as i stood there looking at ” coca colas ” legendary 1920’s character i thought to myself i knew i should have cut out the

coupon in ” the sport newspaper ” and put it in an envelope with a stamped addressed envelope and a postal order and sent

it to the nearest PO box in london myself which is nowhere near the north pole and lap land , phew all that excitement and

not a drop of whisky or a mince pie to be seen tut , tut …

Paris asks : ” so out of interest did you get your adult book wrapped in brown paper or is it still being read and wrapped

by ” pants on all fours ” i mean ” santa claus ” and his little helpers , ha , ha ” …

And they all said hiccup , hiccup and read lady chatterly’s lover happily

ever after …

By Paris Skye

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